Week Ten: Evaluating my conflict styles

The outcome of my conflict styles evaluation from the Wilmot and Hocker text was not necessarily surprising however, it was interesting to see my outcome in comparison to the other options. In the evaluation of my conflict communications with my husband, I was happy to find that I most likely operate from a collaborative standpoint.  This comes after many years of avoidance on both sides, a significant amount of accommodation from my side and two years of premarital and marriage counseling.  After eight years together, not only did we become aware of our tendency to avoid conflict, we acknowledged that a fair amount of resentment had built up and took steps to learn communication strategies to improve them (The Four Horsemen in particular).  After reading the excerpt regarding the Collaborative conflict style, I do agree that it is possible for one of the parties in the relationship to use collaborative techniques to manipulate the other.  I have been guilty of this as has my husband.  For the most part though, collaborating with one another has helped us grow as individuals as well as a team. 

Similarly, I was definitely not surprised to see that I use the Accommodation-style with my boss with the Avoidance-style as a close runner-up.  I find that I tend toward these styles when I am interacting with someone whom I consider to be an authority figure (supervisors, those with seniority, professors, elders, etc).  Sadly, I find myself habitually operating from my adolescent perspective. I was raised in a very hierarchical family where my father was the boss, my mother didn't have a voice and we certainly didn't think or speak for ourselves as children.  My mother likes to say I was a "yes" girl or a people-pleaser and growing up it was something for me to be proud of.  I didn't talk back, I listed to my teachers, I did everything I was asked to do and understood that was not appropriate for me to assert myself, provide suggestions, etc.  As I got older, I went through quite a rebellious and resentful stage where I would find myself in the cycles that Wilmot and Hocker outline in Chapter Five.  Initally I would Avoid-Avoid.  As I get older, I find myself  in the Avoid-Escalate-Avoid cycle.  Both cycles are unhealthy and both cycles are habits that are difficult to break when I develop relationships with new individuals.  As I become more comfortable in my relationships, I find myself using other tactics.  That being said, I've been working with my boss for four months now so it may be a while before I stop being Accommodating or using Avoidance and begin using my voice in a constructive way.